Turk Oneshots
by Arashi Maxwell
Summary: Just a bunch of oneshots about the Turks, mostly Reno. They're all just wierd things I thought up after seeing Advent Children. Some use of alcohol.
1. Comb of Doom

You may not believe me, and I wouldn't blame you, but I have the utmost respect for the Turks now I've seen Advent Children. Really.

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Wolf: Hello, people! I thought of this after I watched Advent Children and I was brushing my hair a lot more than I normally do.

Reno: …Yer evil.

Wolf: You love it, I know.

Reno: Stop quoting him! (runs out of the room)

Wolf: I've got to go find Reno now, so Rude'll do the disclaimer. Oh, RE-ENO! Where are you?

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Rude: (clears throat) Ms. Arashi, also known as Wolf, does not own Final Fantasy or any of its characters in any way.

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"Elena, are you finished?" Reno pounded on the bathroom door in nothing but a pair of shorts, his red hair hanging down his back. His uniform was on a hanger on the wall. It had been another all-nighter and Elena had spent the last hour in the bathroom. "Get out!" 

"Reno, shut up." Elena threw open the bathroom door. She was dressed in her Turks uniform and was pulling a brush through her hair. "Ah! Put on some clothes." She dropped the brush to clap her hands over her eyes.

"I wanted to take a shower. Have you been brushing your hair all this time?"

Elena snorted slightly as she bent to pick up the brush. "You should follow my example. Your hair could do with a good brushing."

Reno stepped back. "Don't even joke about that. Just clear out and let me take a shower." Elena smiled evilly and held up the brush. Reno's eyes grew wide. "No. Elena, don't."

She took a step out of the bathroom and Reno stumbled back. "Oh, come on, Reno. It's not like it's going to hurt."

"Leave me alone!" Reno turned and ran down the hall. "Elena! Come on!"

Reno skidded around a corner and had to pull to a sharp stop to avoid running into his bald partner, Rude.

"Rude! Hold him!" Elena called from behind Reno. "We're going to brush his hair!" Reno yelped and dodged around Rude, running for the stairs.

"C'mon, Rude. Help!" Elena followed Reno down the stairs.

"Tseng! Outa the way!" Reno yelled as he to slow enough to avoid running into Elena's black-haired partner. It didn't work and Reno crashed into him, sending them both flying.

"Reno, what are you doing?" Tseng stood and brushed his suit off.

"Elena's gone crazy!" Reno scrambled up and glanced around. "Know anywhere I can hide?"

Tseng pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "You could try the closet."

Reno followed Tseng's advice and ran into the closet. He closed the door and crouched at the back. After a minute he heard Elena talking to Tseng and then footsteps running down the hall.

"Oh, Re-e-eno!" Elena threw open the door and Reno stared up at her.

"Tseng, you traitor!"

Reno walked dejected down the hall to the bathroom. Elena, Tseng, and Rude had tied to him to a chair and combed his hair. It was now combed to the side and oiled down; the long tail was pulled into a braid. Elena had gotten makeup from somewhere but Reno had managed to get out of the ropes and had made a run for it. He stopped at the bathroom and laid his head against the door.

"Stupid jerks." He mussed up his hair and opened the bathroom door.

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Reno…Makeup? (Eye twitching)

Wolf: Ha! This was a lot of fun. Reno refuses to talk to me right now, tho'.

Reno…

Wolf: Awww, C'mon, Reno! Please? (makes puppy dog eyes)

Reno: No. Go away. Look what you did to my hair?

Wolf: Hehe. Hey, Reno, no! Put that down! Ouch! Elctro-rod!

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Like I said, you probably don't believe me, but this _was_ alot of fun to write. And I do respect them. 


	2. Birthday Kicks

Laili the Turk asked me to put Rufus in for kicks, so here you go. Hehehe, I need to find something else to do. :P

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, or the Happy Birthday son**

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Wolf: singing Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear-

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"Rude! Elena!" Reno stuck his head through the door of the ShinRa lounge. "Tseng? Where is everyone?" He continued down the hall, stopping at every door.

He opened the door to the office where he and Rude worked. The lights were off and it was silent. Reno sighed and flipped on the light, thinking of getting a beer out of the mini-fridge.

"SURPRISE! Happy Birthday, Reno!" Elena, Rude, and Tseng jumped out from behind desks and chairs. Elena had a big, chocolate cake in her hands. HAPPY BIRTHDY RENO! Was written in big, curly red letters.

Reno blinked in surprise and lowered the electro-mag rod he had pulled out when they jumped out. "How'd you find out?"

"Your mother called about an hour ago. Tseng sat in Reno's chair and put his feet on the desk. "Nice woman."

"Here's your Birthday Beer." Rude handed him a bottle of beer as Elena put his cake on Rude's desk.

"Come on, Reno! The wax is going to get on the cake." Elena grabbed Reno's arm and pulled him to the desk. "Don't forget to make a wish."

Reno thought for a minute and blew out the candles. Elena stifled a giggle as Reno jumped back, all his defenses up. A knife appeared from somewhere and Elena cut out a piece of cake. Reno took a long drink of his beer as Elena handed him the first piece.

"Hey, this is pretty good." Reno spoke around a mouthful of cake.

"Thanks, I made it." Elena threw a chair at Reno as he started gagging. Reno ducked and drowned his beer, throwing it in the trashcan.

"Throw me another."

Rude tossed him one and Elena grabbed the pack. "I remember last time, even if you were all so smashed you don't!"

Elena left the office for a minute and came back empty-handed. Reno stared at her for a minute.

"_WHAT_! I thought those were for my birthday!"

Elena shook her head. "You can have them. Sparingly."

"NOOOOOO!" Reno shot past her and into the hall. "I will have them!"

----

"Rude!" Elena's yell made the bald man look up from his poker game with the black-haired Turk. "Tseng! Someone, help! He found them!"

Rude opened the door to see Reno run past without his jacket and the beer clutched to his chest. A few minutes later Elena followed, still yelling at him.

"Found the beers?" Tseng leaned back in his chair. "Elena might as well give up."

Rude nodded. "Throw me one."

Tseng dug behind his chair and slid a can of beer across the table to Rude as he sat down.

----

"Look at him." Elena opened the door and glared at the two men. Reno stood beside her, leaning heavily on her shoulder and smiling absently. The moment Elena stepped away, Reno's legs collapsed under him. He sat on the floor, humming and hiccupping.

"Not too bad." Rude shook his head. "The whole pack. That's not bad for such a short time."

Elena growled and shook her head, bending to help Reno to his feet. He giggled slightly and said in a slurred voice. "Yer fery nis."

"I hope your hangover kills you." Elena lowered him into a chair and spun on her heel.

"What's going on in here?" Elena froze at the sight of the man standing in the door. Neatly combed blonde hair hung over icy blue eyes.

"Sir!" Elena squeaked and saluted the man. Rude and Tseng jumped up and followed her example.

"Ser!" Reno stumbled to his feet, overbalanced and stumbled into Rufus ShinRa. Rufus caught Reno's arm as he fell and Reno smiled slightly still speaking in a slurred voice. "Yuv fery nis ize."

Rufus looked around at the other three Turks and his eyebrows rose. There was silence for a minute and then Rude spoke up.

"A few birthday beers, Sir."

Rufus nodded and turned to Reno. "Have you seen the snow outside?"

Reno shook his head, and Rufus led him out of the room by his arm. Elena glanced at the other two men as Rufus led Reno down the stairs.

Outside, the snow fell slowly, piling on the sidewalk. Elena, Rude, and Tseng watched as Rufus helped Reno down the steps. Reno smiled absently as Rufus walked away from his and stood by a deep snowdrift. He turned to face Reno.

"Come her. I want to show you something."

Reno stumbled to stand next to Rufus and mumbled, "Head hurts."

"This will only take a minute. Bend down; you need to take a close look."

Reno bent down and until he was about a foot away from the snow. Rufus grabbed the back of Reno's head and shoved it in the snow. Reno jerked back and came out of the snow with a yell.

"Sir!" Reno stared up in horror at Rufus. "Oh, man."

"I advise you don't get drunk on the job again."

The three Turks saluted as Rufus passed and Elena turned to Reno. "I told you not to-"

"Shut up." Reno pushed himself unsteadily to his feet. "I heard all this already." He put his hand to his head as he stumbled up the stairs.

"This hangover is gonna kill me."

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Wolf: He got smashed! HAHAHA. He's still passed out in his room and the others are out doing something for Rufus who refuses to come out of his room, so I'm bored.You can help byreading and review. Please! (And I have another one I'll put up soon.) 


	3. Willy Wonka

This chapter is dedicated to InsaneRedhead-PsychoFangirl, Sutoomu and all my reviewers.

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Wolf: Heehee I need to stop watching movies.

Reno: Or get a therapist. smile How about shock treatment?

Wolf: Reno, no! I'm still sore from last time! Put that rod down!

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Elena: Wolf is otherwise occupied, so I'll be doing the disclaimer. Ms. Arashi, Wolf, claims no ownership of anything Final Fantasy related.

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"_WHAT!_" Reno spun his chair around and faced Rude. "A business play?"

Rude looked up. "That's right."

"What play?"

Rude turned the chair and handed a piece of paper to Reno.

"_WILLY WONKA_!" Reno jumped up. "What is this?"

"Reno, what's your problem?" Elena stepped through the door and handed a folder to Rude.

"Look." Reno shoved the paper at Elena and flopped into his seat.

"A Charlie and the Chocolate Factory play?" Elena's eyebrows rose. "What the…?"

Reno moaned and leaned his head over the back of his chair. "The President's cracked." Rude shook his head and bent over some papers as Reno laid his head on his desk. "This is insane."

Elena suddenly giggled. "What are you going to be? An oompalumpa?"

Reno glared at him. "What about you? Are you going to be that fat kid? Augustus?"

Elena tackled him and papers flew.

----

Three months later the staff of ShinRa stood behind the curtain on the stage. Elena kept giggling slightly while the three men with her looked disgusted.

"Oompalumpas." Reno shook his head. "I don't believe it."

Elena giggled again. "Told you. You're-hehe-an oompalumpa!"

Reno took a step towards Elena and Hojo yelled for quiet. "The play's about to begin and there's quite a crowd, so do well." His eyes shown manically, "Or else."

Elena shivered. "He's really creepy."

Reno nodded and Rude grabbed the back of his outfit, pulling him off-stage as the curtain rose.

----

"No." Reno, who'd been watching the crowd through the stage door, banged his head against the wall.

"What?" Rude looked up from where he'd been leaning against the wall.

"Look who's out there."

In the back, leaning in plain sight against the wall, was a man with spiky blonde hair and faintly glowing blue eyes. In the row in front of him were several little kids and a woman with shoulder-length brown hair.

"That's all we need." Reno leaned his head against the wall. "This is so twisted."

"You're on in a few minutes." Hojo appeared next to Reno, making him jump. "You better be ready."

Elena shivered again as he walked away and Reno stared after him with a horrified expression.

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Wolf: That was actually the best ending I could think of. Hmmm

Rude: You really are messed up.

Wolf: Oh, gee, thanks. Maybe I'll do something horrible to you now.

Elena: I have to agree with him. That's just wrong. Look at poor Reno, he's in mental shock.

Wolf: Mental shock? That leaves all sorts of jokes open.

Tseng: (Gun cocks)

Wolf: But I won't go there. Oh dear. I gotta go. I hope you liked this. I made them Oompalumpas because the thought of them doing those songs was just too funny to me. R&R, please! Runs out of room with the Turks on her heels


	4. Cookies

To what bdsproductions asked, I agree with it being slightly creepy, and I was going to have Rufus be Willy Wonka. I don't think he'd actually do that, and I'm scared of what he'd do to me if I tried, so maybe it was Hojo? You now, have him as director and actor. (Shudder) That's creepy too.

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Wolf: This is based on somethis that actually happened to me. Witha friend.Wooden spoon and all.

Reno: Coooooookieeees!

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**Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII**

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"Cookies?" Reno stuck his head through the kitchen door. Elena glanced over her shoulder at him and shook her head.

"Not yet. I'm still making the dough."

Reno walked casually next to her and leaned on the counter. Elena had already added and mixed all the ingredients.

"You'll be done soon?"

"Half an hour. Now get out, you're in the way." Elena turned to set the oven and Reno grabbed a spoonful of the cookie dough.

"RENO!" Elena grabbed a wooden spoon of the counter and brandished it at Reno. "Get out!"

"Awright, it's just a little-wait! What are you doin' with that?" Reno backed towards the door as Elena advanced on him with the wooden spoon raised.

"I told you to get out, but you just had to eat the cookie dough." Reno jumped back, dodging Elena's swing by inches. "Now you won't get any!"

"Help!" Reno ducked under her next attack and ran for the door. "Elena's gone crazy! Again!"

Rufus looked up from the couch as Reno sprinted through the room. Elena followed a few minutes later, still swinging the spoon. She paused at the base of the stairs and shouted, "Now let me make the cookies in peace!"

Rufus turned back to the newspaper as Elena stalked back into the kitchen, muttering death wishes on Reno. He shook his head and turned a page. "He's going to get himself killed."

----

"Ok, you know the plan?" Reno looked at the other two men.

Rude sighed, "Why are we doing this? Wouldn't it just be easier to wait until she bakes the cookies?"

"Bakes cookies are good, but cookie dough is unrivaled." Reno shook his head. "So, are you in?"

"I'm not." Tseng stood up. "I've seen Elena mad, and it's not pretty."

"Ha! You've just got a crush on her." Reno ducked the chair Tseng threw at him as he left. "Fine, that leaves you and me, Rude."

Rude sighed. "I'm assuming I don't get a choice?"

Reno shook his head. "Nope. Actually, hang on." Reno sprinted out the door and Rude listened to him talking to Tseng in the room next door. There was a shout, a crash of something being thrown and Reno shouting that Tseng was scared of Elena. After a minute Reno limped into the room.

"Ok, so he's not helpin'." Reno shook his head and muttered, "Coward."

Rude growled and followed Reno down the stairs and into the living room. Rufus glanced up as the walked through.

"Where's Elena?" Reno glanced towards the silent kitchen.

"She's in the bathroom. Tseng wouldn't help you in whatever suicide attempt?"

"Nah," Reno shook his head. "You wanna, Sir?"

"No." Rufus turned back to the paper. "I'm already in a wheelchair, I don't need anything worse."

Reno shook his head. "C'mon, it'll be fun."

Rufus shook his head and Reno turned to the kitchen, pulling Rude after him. "Then don't tell her we're in here."

The kitchen was quiet when Reno stuck his head around the door and glanced in. Elena had already put the cookie dough on the sheets and Reno could smell one sheet cooking. "We're just in time, she only has one left."

Reno ducked in and ran to the counter. He stared scrapping parts of the outsides of the cookies into his palm. He had a pretty sizable amount when the alarm on the stove went off.

"Oh no." Rude stepped back towards the door.

From the hall they could hear Elena's voice coming closer. Reno glanced at Rude and tried to duck under the table. Too late. "RENO! NOT AGAIN!" Elena was standing in the door and glaring at the two Turks. "Rude, you too?"

Rude put his hands up to show they were empty and edged towards the door. Elena spun on Reno who was still holding the handful of cookie dough.

"Uh," Reno backed away into the counter. "You wouldn't even have know if you'd set the stupid buzzer for a minute later."

Elena's eyes narrowed to the thinnest slits and Reno's grew wide. He crammed the cookie dough in his mouth and made a run for the door. Elena jumped at him and missed as he ran into the living room. He ducked behind Rufus as Elena sprinted out of the kitchen.

"Where is he? He ate a whole cookie!" Elena glared around and Rufus moved his wheelchair forward.

"Sorry, Reno."

Reno put his arms over his head as Elena lifted the wooden spoon again. "At least my last meal was cookie dough."


	5. Cereal

Wolf: This one's really short. I'm getting desperate for ideas, so if you have you want, or are willing to letme to use, I'm open. Oh! My random thingy for today is: I will have nightmares for the rest of my life. I was looking for Turk pictures to check something and I found one that did yaoi pairing. I'm not a fan, personally, it disturbs me, but that's just me. Anyway, they had quiet a few, one being pairings with Hojo. Hojo and Vincent, or Hojo and Sephiroth. **I did not look at them**, the mental images are horrible enough.

Speaking of Hojo, bdsproductions, I want to see that Willy Wonka picture when you're finished with it.

**

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Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy, sadly**

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Seven O'clock sharp and all the Turks were up and about their own business. Rude walked into the kitchen and dug through the cabinets for a bowl, some cereal and milk. He poured himself a bowl as noise stared picking up in the room next to him. He paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth as Tseng started yelling from the living room. After a few seconds, Reno's voice joined in.

"It wasn't me! Think I'm some kinda dog?"

"Look at them!"

"I didn't do it! I swore off slipper chewing."

There was silence and then a yell from Reno as Tseng threw him through the door. He hit the table and slid across, knocking Rude's bowl to the floor.

"Sorry, Man." Reno jumped down and ran back into the living room. There were crashes and more shouts as Rude got a new bowl and filled it.

"Rude, have you seen my schedule?" Rufus walked through the door, reading a file.

"No, Sir, I haven't."

Rufus made a face and nodded. "I need it, so if you see-ow!" The table rocked as Rufus bumped it and Rude's bowl tipped and spilled across the table.

"Sorry, Rude." Rufus made a face and hurried out the door.

Rude swore under his breath as he got another bowl. This time he sat at the other end of the table, by the door leading outside. The spoon was at his mouth when the door opened, bumping his chair.

"'Morning, Rude. Sorry about that." Elena backed through the door with an armful of flower pots.

"Watch out for the-" Rude looked up just in time to see Elena slip in the milk. The pots flew into the air, throwing dirt everywhere; including Rude's cereal.

"Elena! You ok?" The two other Turks and the President were standing in the door. Tseng had Reno in a headlock and Rufus was still carrying his file.

"Fine!" Rude slammed down his spoon and stalked out, leaving a cereal bowl full of dirty milk on the table.

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Wolf: Poor Rude. This was a really bad one, I know, and I'm sorry (hangs head in shame) I will try and do better. 


	6. ShinRa Parents' Night

Well, I thought you'd all hate that last one, but I guess not. That's a relief. Hey, I have another random thingy. If you have the Advent Children (and if you don't: shame on you)putit on Japanese and go to thepart whereTifa or Aeris say "Dilly Dally, ShillyShally" and listen to the Japaneseversion. It's funny.

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Reno: I don't like kids when they swarm.

Wolf: That's when they're the most fun.

Elena: Look at these bruises, and then shut up!

Wolf:...Wow, those are huge!

Elena: My point. And you should see Reno's. Those are kinda nasty.

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**Disclaimer: I wish I owned it, I really do.**

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ShinRa parents' night. Reno sighed; the night where all the employees got together for a supper and talking. It was supposed to strengthen the bonds inside ShinRa. Unfortunately, it was hard to get babysitters, so it also meant that the office would be swarming with little, waist-high monsters.

"Help me-e-e!" Reno paused at the sound of Elena's voice. "Help, they're going to kill me!"

Reno pushed open the door to the Turks' office. Inside, Elena was pinned to the ground by a mass of little kids. All of them looked up when Reno stuck his head through the door and screamed.

"PLAY WITH US!" One of the kids; a little boy with spiky blonde-haired that looked somehow familiar, grabbed Reno's leg. "Come on!"

Reno pulled away from him and stumbled into the hall. "Elena wants to play with you."

"Reno! Don't you dare leave." Elena pushed herself up off the floor, kids falling away. "He wants to play too. C'mon, he'll be sad if you don't include him."

"No I won't." Reno stepped back and had to windmill to stop from falling. He looked down and saw the blonde boy wrapped around his legs, preventing him from running.

"GET HIM!" Reno threw up his arms as a small crowd of little kids tackled him. He hit the ground with a loud _thud_ and was dragged bodily into the office. The door slammed and Reno glanced around to see Elena smirking.

"I hate you." Reno glared up at her.

"Hey! You can't say things like that, is impite." A brown-haired little girl wagged her finger at Reno. "Say you sorry."

"What?" Reno stared up at the little girl as she put her tiny fists on her hips. "Fine. I'm sorry, Elena."

"Thas be'er." The girl smiled widely and jumped on Reno's head. "Time to play!"

----

Half an hour later, Tseng stuck his head through the door and called to Elena, "Have you seen Reno or Rude?"

Elena shook her head and pointed mutely at a pile of kids. Tseng glanced at them and sighed as Reno's head broke out. He made a grab for one of the kids and missed.

"Give 'em back!" Reno pushed his way out of the pile. "Gimme my goggles!"

The blonde boy backed away, waving Reno's goggles in the air. Reno launched at him, yelling wordlessly. The other kids swarmed around as the two hit the ground.

"The mature approach, as always." Tseng shook his head and turned back to Elena. "Where's Rude?"

"I don't know." Elena winced at the sound of something popping from beneath the group of kids.

"My arm!" Reno squirmed out to his waist, holding his arm.

"Reno!" Tseng's voice made the red-haired Turk look up. "Where's Rude?"

"I don-ack! Don't know. I left him at the dinner."

"The dinner just finished and he wasn't there. HE's supposed to be here helping you two."

"Came play with us, Mister." Tseng looked down to see a black-haired boy tugging on his pant leg. "Please?"

"Oh, great! You got the-ooph! The polite one." Reno glared at Tseng as the group around him pulled down and tackled him. Elena watched pityingly as Reno was dragged around the room. She finally stopped them as they passed.

"Mr. Reno needs a break, Ok?" Elena bent to their eyelevel. "Why don't you go play something else?"

"You had a break." The brown-haired girl pointed out. "Play with us."

"Oh, I uh…" Elena backed away. "Don't you want to play with some of the toys in here?"

"What's going on?" Tseng stopped behind Reno with a kid hanging on each arm. Reno had pulled himself to a desk and was now leaning against it.

"Elena sacrificed herself for me."

Tseng stared at him for a minute. "Reno, you've got to go help her."

"But-"

"No buts! Go!" Tseng pointed and Reno stood, pouting like a four year old. (:P)

"C'mon, 'Lena." Reno shoved a few kids of Elena and pulled her to her feet.

"Mr. Reno, does this mean your break is over?" The blonde boy smiled evilly as he spoke.

"Don't! NO!" Reno backed away, pulling Elena with him as the small crowd of kids advanced on him. "Run for it!"

Tseng watched them run out, and shook his head.

In the hall, Reno stopped Elena at a little used closet and pulled the door open. "Get in." And slammed the door.

There were a few seconds of silence as Reno searched for the light, and then they were both blinking against the glow of the bulb. A few seconds later and a pounding started on the door Reno was propped against.

"Hey, Reno?" Elena glanced at the other Turk as he pushed against the door. "Why'd you agree to this? I expected you to skip out and go to a bar."

"The president threatened to cut my salary if I skipped out. Short of bleeding or puking." Reno jumped as the door gave a particularly violent lurch. "ShinRa Parents' Night, Ha! More like, Night of the Waist High Monsters."


	7. Gummy Worms

Thank you guys so much for your reviews! I was surprised, but it seems like most people like the 1st and 6th chapters the most. I hope you like this one too.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy**

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Wolf: Mmmm, gummy worms.

Reno: Gummy worms! Where? Gotta have 'em!

Elena: Rude! Tseng! Help! We've gotta hold him down while Wolf hides the worms.

Rude: (sighes) Again, Reno?

Reno: (foaming at the mouth) Gummy Worms...Gummy Worms

* * *

Reno looked up from the couch as the door opened. Elena backed through with a few grocery bags in her arms, followed by a similarly burdened Rude.

"Get anything good?" Reno turned back to the TV as he spoke. Elena ignored hum and led Rude into the kitchen.

"Ew! Reno, this is gross! Have you _ever_ cleaned?"

"Nope." Reno sighed and changed the channel. "Oo, Bill Cosby."

Reno looked around at the sound of Elena shrieking and a pot hitting the wall. "Kill it! It's alive! It moved!"

Reno sighed and pushed himself off the couch, grabbing up his Electro-Mag rod. The kitchen was a mess, pots in the sink, beer bottles on the floor, nothing new. Elena was backed into a corner, holding a pot over her head and Rude was a few feet away with his gun aimed at a slimy, green _something_ on the ground. Reno jumped and swore as the thing twitched.

"What is that?" Reno lifted his rod as the thing turned to face him with a nasty squelching sound.

"It's in your house! You should know!" Elena swung at the glob and hit it against the wall. Reno leapt forward and the thing with his rod at the same time Rude shot. There was a flash and the thing lay on the ground, twitching slightly.

"It's probably just a moldy mouse." Reno poked it with his rod. "So, did you get me anything?"

Elena threw the pot at Reno and let the kitchen, moving mechanically. Reno sighed and walked to the bags. "Gotta do everything myself."

Rude adjusted his sunglasses and shook his head. "Reno, you _should_ clean up now and then."

Reno whooped and pulled a plastic tub out of the tub out of the bags. "Gummy Worms!"

Rude sighed and followed Elena into the living room. Reno laughed manically as he peeled the tub open and grabbed a handful. He followed the sudden sound of laughter into the living room. Elena looked around at Reno and stifled a giggle.

"Great, Reno. Now you're gonna get sugar high."

Reno shrugged and crammed a few worms into his mouth. "Probably, but I just can't help it. Gummy Worms are like crack."

"Except they don't kill you." Rude turned off the TV as the movie ended.

"I bet you I could kill someone with one of these." Reno examined the worm in his hand.

"I'd pay money to see that." Elena laughed as she faced Reno. "'Specially if you stabbed someone with it. That would be something."

Reno stared at her thoughtfully. "There might be cash in the business."

"Way to go, Elena." Rude shook his head and grabbed a magazine off the table in front of him.

"I can see it now! There'll be a big arena, like they use for wrestling. And then we'll have big, dramatic Gummy Worm fights."

Elena burst out laughing and doubled up. Reno put on a fake insulted look and stalked into the kitchen. "Fine, you don't get any of the cash I make."

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Thanks again for the reviews. I think this is one of my favorite chapters because my brother has actually made the comparison between Gummy Worms and crack, and my sister's friend said she'd pay money to see someone kill with a Gummy Worm.

P.S. Bdsproductions - Yes, the kids got him. Ate him alive, too. I'll try and do something with them singing.


	8. Chocolate Milk

Wolf: I wrote this story for Laili the Turk (go read her stories, they're _really_ good) because she asked me to do one with Reno and chocolate milk. This story also gave me another one, so I'm going to type that one up and post it soon. Once again, this is for Laili, who is great. And I think I might try the amusment park idea, too...hmmm...

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**Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII or any of Shin-Ra**

* * *

The Turks' latest mission had taken them to a town high in the mountains. There were rumors of an increase of monsters and possible terrorist group. Unfortunately, they'd hit a storm and had to camp the night at a conveniently placed town. Now all four sat around the fire, staring gloomily at the rain splashing against the window.

"Chocolate milk?" The four adults looked up to see a girl in her early teens holding a tray with four mugs. "Sorry, but the hot cocoa's all gone because of this rain."

"Had a lot of it?" Tseng nodded his thanks and took one of the mugs.

"A month strait. Thankfully we're in the mountains, so the flooding's really minor." The girl smiled at them and left.

"Raining for a month? We'll be here forever." Elena slumped low in her seat.

"Mmmm. Chocolate." Reno slurped his milk loudly.

"We'll just have to travel in the rain." Tseng sighed and glanced at the red-haired Turk. Reno had his head leaned back and was draining his cup.

"Reno, pay attention." Elena shook her head as Reno paused and stuck his tongue out at her. Elena stiffened and then smiled slightly. "Fine," She said as she reached over and jabbed Reno in the ribs. He jerked and yelped as chocolate milk shot out of his nose, spraying onto his lap.

"ELENA!" Reno jumped up and dumped his cup on Elena's head.

Elena gasped as the brown milk ran down her hair and stood slowly. Rude whistled the Good, the Bad and the Ugly theme song as the two faced each other and leaned back in his seat. Elena stepped forward and dumped her cup on Reno's head. "There. Now we're even."

"Children. I think that's enough." Tseng glanced around as the other occupants of the inn began to laugh. "You're kind of tarnishing the image of Shin-Ra."

The two Turks turned to face him and Reno grabbed Rude's mug. "Here you go, sir."

Tseng tried to jump up as the Rude turned the mug upside down over his pants. There was a splash as the milk joined Reno and Elena's on the floor and Tseng stood, dripping milk.

"It looks like you wet yourself." Reno snorted and rubbed his nose.

"Who's going to clean this?" They turned to see the teenage girl standing behind them. "You realize I'm not, don't you?"

"Him." They all pointed to Reno.

"What? That's not fair, you made the mess too."

The girl pulled out a mop and a bucket and handed them to Reno. "I can get you an apron."

"Tseng'd look better in an apron." Reno shoved the bucket and mop at Tseng and smiled. "Coming here was your idea, so really all this was 'cause of you."

Elena shrugged. "Works for me. Even though I think Reno ought to do it."

"It's also your fault for jabbin' me in the ribs." Reno spun on her. "So don't push your luck."

Elena fell silent and shrugged at Tseng. "Sorry, sir. He's got me too."

"You're all horrible." Tseng stared at them as Reno slipped out the door and Elena ran for the stairs. Rude, not guilty as always, sat where he was and drank the last remaining mug.

* * *

Wolf: I think Reno's refusing to talk to me now.I mean, I know I do so much to him, but he makes it so easy. He's so cool but funny so it's easy to make fun of him. So, I'm going to do something with Elena to make him feel better. 


	9. Storm

Wolf: Yay! They're talking to me again! 'cept they're on a mission so it's all too quiet now. This one just kinda came to me, but it was fun to write. I hope you like it and remember to Read and Review. Please! (super cute, huge, wobbly, watery eyes) Please...

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, but I do have it written on my hand!**

* * *

Rain fell, lashing the windows and making them rattle. Occasionally lightning would flash and light up the offices of the Shin-Ra Electric Power Company. A loud crash of thunder made a blonde woman in a Turks uniform jump and drop the papers she was holding. She bent and grabbed the papers off the floor, swearing under her breath. 

"You seen Rude?" Elena screamed and dropped the papers again, spinning to face the door. The man standing in the door had spiky, red hair that came to a tail at the base of his neck and bright blue eyes.

"Did I scare you, 'Lena?" Reno laughed as Elena bent again to pick up the papers.

"No, Reno, I have not seen Rude."

"But I _did_ scare you!" Reno laughed. "You're kinda jumpy, what's up?"

A flash of lightning lit the room and Reno leaned back with his hands in his pockets. "Come on, Elena, what's up?"

Elena pushed past him, ignoring the question and stepped into the office Reno and Rude shared.

"Your office is a mess." Elena worked her way between the mess on the office floor. "You guys need to straighten up."

Reno leaned against the doorframe. "Tell me those papers isn't for me."

"They're not for you." Elena smiled over her shoulder and put the folder on Reno's desk.

Reno moaned. "So you don't know where Rude is? What about Tseng?"

Elena shook her head. "Why don't you go ask the president? He'd know."

Reno sighed. "They wouldn't have gone on a mission. Maybe he left a note."

"You didn't check?" Elena watched as Reno ran to the desk and dug through the folders on top. After a minute he straightened with a piece of paper in his hand. "A note!"

"What's it say? A mission!"

"I was wrong!" Reno threw the note down. "More responsible, ha!"

"They made me stay to baby-sit you!" Elena sat in Rude's chair.

"Baby-sit me? You're the one who's afraid of lightning."

Elena jumped to her feet and took a step towards Reno as the lightning flashed brightly. A very loud clap of thunder followed and Elena screamed and grabbed Reno's arm.

"_You're_ supposed to baby-sit _me_?" Elena lookedup to see Reno smiling smugly at her.

Elena narrowed her eyes anddropped his arm. Reno laughed as she stalked back into her office andfollowed her, still laughing."Wait, I'm coming. It gets too quiet in there all alone."

"Those files have to be finished in three days."

Reno turned back to his office and Elena sat down and opened her own paperwork.

"Three days. That's it?" Elena looked around to see Renograb the chair from the spare desk.

"Yes. That's it. There's not even that much in there."

Reno grumbled as he pulled he chair to the window and propped his feet on the sill. Silence fell except for the occasional turn of a page, a yawn or the distant rumble of thunder.

--- --- ---

"That was a big one." Reno looked up as a flash of lightning lit the room like daylight.

"Reno, don't sit so close to the window. Please." Elena looked up at Reno, who smiled over his shoulder and turned back.

"Reno, come on." Elena stood up and walked next to Reno. Outside, the rain still lashed the window by Reno's feet and fell to the pavementahundred feet below. A huge clap of thunder shook the glass, making Elena scream and fall into Reno's lap.

"Ouch! Elena!" Reno stared at Elena who was clutching his shoulder. "Are you finished?"

"Shut up." Elena blushed slightly and jumped up. "I wasn't expecting it."

Reno laughed and turned back to the papers. "Yeah, yeah. You just wanted a chance to get in my lap."

Elena threw a book vaguely behind her and listened to the satisfying thud of it connecting with Reno's head and his yelp of pain.

* * *

Wolf: Awww, how cute. I didn't mean at first for it to turn out like this, but it's ok...I think. I had an alternate version that I might type up. If someone asks. (coughcough) :P 


	10. A Good Time

Hello everyone! Sorry it's been so long, but I couldn't think of anything. I actually thought of this one when I was on a trip. It's based on story Bill Cosby tells in his movie, thing, Bill Cosby Himself. If you have any ideas for me, I'm still open. (P.S. I'm just not going to puta disclaimer in anymore, you all know I don't own it.)

P.S. Sorry, but I had to repost these because it wouldn't show the next three chapters. sorry for any problems.

* * *

Having a good is defined by what kind of person you are, right? If you're a girl, you probably see having a good time as going out and shopping, or getting your hair done. Guys like to watch football or baseball games. And then there are the people who see going to a bar and getting smashed as a good time. People like Reno. But what about when you're done having a good time? There's always the end. You outgrow the clothes, the game ends, you get a massive hangover.

A loud moan echoed through the house. There were a few seconds silence and then the moan was repeated, louder. "If I make it through this one, I'll never drink again!"

"That's what you said last time." The blonde, female Turk looked down at the red-haired man leaning over the toilet. "Maybe you _should_ stop drinking."

"If I live through this, I will." Reno clutched the toilet bowl as he spoke and his face paled even more. Elena reached over and lifted Reno's hair out of the way as he bent back over the toilet bowl.

"Why am I the one stuck in here with you?"

"I did it last time and Tseng before that." Elena looked around to see Rude standing in the door, holding a dark bottle in his hand. "I came to see if he wanted another beer."

Reno groaned and turned back around to empty his stomach as Rude laughed and drained the bottle in his hand.

"I'm not sitting in the bathroom with you." Elena glared at Rude as she continued to hold Reno's hair. Rude sighed and left the room, sulking slightly.

"Only you understand me, toilet bowl. You're the only friend I have." Elena rolled her eyes as Reno leaned his head against the side of the toilet bowl and muttered, "Thank you for being cool on the side. My wonderful toilet bowl."

And that is called having a good time.

* * *

Reno: It _is_ a good time, for a while.

Wolf: "A while"? You mean until the next morning when you sober up?

Reno:(silence)

Wolf: That's what I thought.Reno, drinking is bad for you. (whispers)Even if it does make good stories/blackmail.


	11. A Late Night

I got a bunch of new ideas, but I think this'll be the last, for a while at least. I actually planned to do this to my brothers once. And wouldn't you love to see it?

P.S. this one is for Laili the Turk and bdsproductions for all the reviews I've gotten from you guys. Thank you.

* * *

Elena glanced around her office at the other desks. The three men that occupied them had all fallen asleep. Rude and Tseng had fallen asleep with their head on their desks and Reno was sleeping with his head over the back of his chair and was snoring slightly. They had all ended up working late and hadn't made it home before the building was locked. Now she was the only one awake in the office. Reno suddenly shifted and his mouth opened slightly. Reno the troublemaker, Reno the Prankster, Reno the Pest, Reno the A-Elena sat up straight as she was struck by a sudden, brilliant idea. It took her a few minutes to dig though her bag and then she finally came up with a few cases in her arms, but it wasn't enough.

"Terra would have some." Elena slipped out the door and down the hall to the office of her friend. It was deserted, but Elena knew there was always some in the bottom drawer. She grabbed a bunch and ran quietly back to the office.

- - -

"'Morning!" Elena pushed the office door open with her back and stepped into the office, jerking Tseng and Rude out of their sleep. She had three cups of coffee in her hands. "Sleep well?"

The two men blinked at her drowsily and Tseng sat up straighter. "Didn't you sleep, Elena?"

Elena set the cups on her desk and smiled at him. "Yeah, I slept on the couch."

"Elena? Have you seen my-" A woman with dark brown hair pulled into a bun stuck her head through the door and gasped. "What the devil happened to you?"

"What did you need, Terra?" Elena giggled and pushed Terra out the door. She whispered something to her as the door swung shut.

"What is she talking about?" Rude shook Reno's chair and he shot up, mumbling something. Reno looked around and caught sight of Rude. He stared at his bald friend for a minute and had to fight back a laugh. It failed and he busted out laughing.

"Nice look, Rude." He chuckled after a few minutes, wiping his eyes.

"Same to you." Rude spun Reno's chair around so he was facing the window. Reno's eyes widened and he screamed like a little girl. All three men had on lipstick, blush, eyeliner, mascara, the whole shebang.

"ELENA!" Reno jumped up, wiping his face. "I'm gonna kill her."

Tseng got a rag and slowly wiped off his face as Reno tore out of the room after Elena, his face smeared with makeup. "This time I hope he gets her."

Rude nodded as he followed Tseng's example. "Same here. This is something I'd expect from Reno, not Elena."

Several offices over, Elena crouched behind Terra's desk as Reno threw open the door. "Where is she?"

"Who?" Terra looked up from her paperwork. "Elena? She got a call and had to go."

Reno narrowed his eyes and backed out of the office. Elena waited a few minutes and then began to giggle. Terra had set up and extra mirror up so Elena could watch Reno's reaction. It had been all she hoped for a more.


	12. Coffee

Retarted name for this chapter, I know. I did this for a request made a long time ago that I couldn't think of anything for at the time. But then I thought this up and here it is. If something's in parentheses, it means I was translating for your convinience. Ok, so this is the last of the replaced chapters.

* * *

Reno stood outside Rufus' office with his face pressed to the crack. Inside, he could hear the president of Shin-Ra Electric Power Company mumbling to himself. Behind Reno Rude stood leaning against the wall, watching the red-haired man.

"Reno, what are you doing?" Rude suppressed a smile when Reno jumped at his voice.

"Rude, shhhh. Don't say anything and look through the keyhole."

Rude sighed and bent to look through the keyhole. Inside, Rufus was pushing himself unsteadily out of his seat and making his way to the door. Reno said something vaguely offensive and pulled Rude away from the door. Rufus' door opened as Reno pushed Rude into an empty office.

"Reno!"

"Yeah?" Reno leaned around the door and smiled at his boss.

"I've got a headache, get me some medicine and more coffee."

Reno nodded and Rufus turned back into his office. He waited a minute and pulled a bottle of dark liquid out of his pocket and poured some into a coffee cup. He dug a small bottle out of his pocket and dumped a few pills into his hand.

"Reno! You can't take pills with alcohol." Rude grabbed Reno's hair as Reno turned towards the office.

"First: I'm not taking them. Second: They aren't pills, they're vitamins."

"You're giving vitamins and alcohol to the president?"

Reno nodded. "Yeah. I think he should just relax. And what better way than getting smashed?"

Rude sighed as Reno pushed open the door and stepped though. "Here you go, sir. Aspirin and coffee."

Rufus mumbled something and took the cup and "pills" from Reno. "Holler if you need anything."

---

Half an hour later Reno looked up as the door to the Turk office opened. He paled slightly when he saw Tseng. Tseng didn't notice and stared absently at Reno. "The President is in his office, singing something."

Reno fought not to laugh as Rude stared at their boss in horror. Reno lost his fight and burst out laughing.

"What's he singing?" Rude stared at the wall where they could hear "someone" singing off-key from the office next to theirs.

Tseng shook his head and Reno stumbled to his feet. "I've got to see this. Where's my camera?"

"Reno, you'll be fired." Rude watched as Reno dug through his desk.

"Nu-uh. He won't remember me going in there, trust me."

Reno pushed open Rufus' door to see his leaning heavily on his desk. He smiled slightly at Reno and kept singing the song. Reno took a few shots with his camera before he realized what song it was that his boss was singing.

_What is the multed liquor.(beer)  
What gets you_…something…something_ quicker?  
What comes in bottles or in caaans?(beer)  
Can't get-_hic_-enough of it,(beer)_

"I wish the floor would stop trying to trip me." Rufus paused in his song and stumbled towards Reno.

_How we relly love it,(beer)  
Makes me think Im a man,(beer)  
I can kiss ad hug it,(beer)  
But I'd rather…chug it,(beer)  
Fill my belly-hic-up to here,(beer)  
I could not hmmm a,(beer)  
I could relly use a,(beer)  
Beer, beer, beer._

"Oh…my…" Reno trailed off as Rude looked over his shoulder.

"Sir?"

"Fellas!" Rufus giggled slightly. "Has it gin?"

Reno bit back a laugh as Rufus fell over. "Stup'd flur. Tryin to mik mee full."

Elena appeared behind them, got one look at the president, and shook her head. She sighed and stepped into the office to help Rufus to his feet as Reno doubled up, laughing. Elena led her boss to a couch on the wall and made him lie down.

"You should sleep. Reno, put that away, or I'll tell him you had it."

Reno made a face, "Yes, _Mom_."

"Good. Now, as far as he knows, this whole song thing never happened. Reno, it will stay that way, do you understand me?"

Reno cracked an evil smile, but nodded. As far as _Rufus_ knew it never happened. That didn't include the rest of Shin-Ra Inc.

"We're going to leave and let him sleep this off. Whatever it is."

* * *

Wolf: I don't own that song. It's, The Beer Song, By Wierd Al. I couldn't put that at the top, or any of this, it'd have ruined it. I thought this up when I was looking over my reviews and typed it up right after. I wanted to do Rufus singing like bdsproductions asked, but I couldn't think how. Then I figured out that Rufus probably wouldn't sing unless he was completly smashed. And there you go.

Rufus: So _that's_ what happened that day. Do you know where Reno is?

Wolf: (Eyes wide) Some mission. Coste Del Sol, I think. Please don't hurt me, it wasn't my idea!

_A crash, a scream,and then silence._


	13. Life Lesson 1

Right, so...I don't know why I wrote this story, actually. 'cept I wanted to use myself in one of my shots. If you don't like it, let me know. And if you _do_ like it, I might do some more life lessons.

Oh, and this is for Laili again because she let me use her character.

* * *

"Alright, so that's how you want to do it?" The sound of voices made Reno stopped outside a closet door.

"Yeah, here and here."

"Wouldn't it work better if we had someone here as well?"

"Who?" There were a few seconds silence and then, "And that's why we're not."

"Reno! He could do it."

"Do what?" Reno pulled open the door and smiled as the two teen girls inside screamed. One, squatting on the left, had short brown hair and blue eyes. The other had white-blonde hair and dark blue eyes. Both girls were dressed in jeans. The brown-haired girl, Laili, was wearing a dark red sweater and boots, and the other girl, Wolf, had on a black T-shirt and tennis shoes.

"Wow!" The blonde girl jumped up and squealed when she hit her head on the pole that goes across the top. You know what I'm talking about, right? "That was weird."

"Wolf, he was listening at the door."

"Oh. I mean, I know." Wolf sat down and stuck her tongue out at the other girl. "So, Reno, come into our office." Reno leaned against the door as Wolf edged around a piece of paper on the floor so she was next to Laili. "Come on, we don't have much time."

Reno squeezed into the closet so he was facing Laili. "So? What are you doing?"

"Well, I got this great idea for a prank last night. Problem is I needed someone to help me." Wolf stuck her hand in the air as Laili spoke. "Now we need someone _else_."

Reno nodded. "Wait. Who's it on."

Wolf laughed. "Look at the map and we'll explain it."

--- --- ---

"You all set?" Reno spoke quietly into the headset he'd managed to get for their prank.

"I'm good." Wolf's voice was quiet as well.

"Me too."

"Laili, you know this best. Just say when."

"You both know who your target is? I've got Elena."

"Evil Tseng who won't let me go for a ride in the chopper."

"Rude." Reno glanced through the vent opening at the Shin-Ra employees passing below him. "This'll be fun."

There was the sound of two tranquilizer guns being fired and then a giggle. "All set. What about you, Reno?"

"He isn't-oh, wait. There he is." Reno poked the barrel of his tranquilizer through the vent and aimed it at the bald head of his partner. The gun moved a little to the left. A few seconds silence and then Rude dropped. Reno began working his way down the shaft as the first woman screamed.

"There's been an attack! Help!"

"Ok, target number two." Reno stopped over one of the grates and waited. A few minutes later and the two girls appeared, Wolf first and Laili a few minutes later. Reno nodded to the two girls and pulled out his cell and dialed in a number. Below them, a phone began to ring.

"We're not goin' for him yet, right?" Reno looked up at the two girls, holding the phone out to Laili. Wolf nodded and looked back down as Laili took the phone and held it to her ear. Below them, a blonde head was bent over some paperwork. After a minute Rufus looked up and glanced around.

"Laili, where are you?" Silence met him and he sighed and got up. The ringing phone was on Laili's desk in the corner.

"Yes?"

Wolf clapped her hand over her mouth as Laili spoke into the phone, "Life lesson number one: Don't get shot." She shoved the tranquilizer gun though the vent and fired. There was a small _thud_ and Rufus collapsed forward onto Laili's desk. Wolf began to giggle quietly as the three filed toward the Turk office.

"We're so fired." Wolf stopped as Reno lifted the grate out of the vent shaft.

Laili glanced over her shoulder at the other girl. "He doesn't know we did it." A few seconds silence as Reno dropped through to the office. "Maybe we should go take that pen he likes so much."

* * *

Laili: If you want to use this description, you can, or you can just make one up. 


	14. Life Lesson 2

I knew what I wanted to do as the second life lesson, I just didn't know how to do it. It suddenly hit me and wal-la! (Is that how you spell it?) Anyway, I couldn't use Rufus in this one because he has somehow (couchcouch) gone missing.

* * *

Reno sat at his desk, scribbling on a piece of paper. He didn't look up as someone knocked and pushed open the door. 

"Reno? What are you doing?" Reno looked up to see Wolf standing in the door with a coffee mug in her hand. "That look is never a good one."

Reno gave her one of his "special" smirks and turned back to the paper on his desk. Wolf arrowed her eyes and bent over the desk.

"Oh, I see. This is genius. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was a dream I had. And I was going to do it on _every_one."

"You should do it outside the conference room. When everyone else is in the big meeting."

"Big meeting?" Reno looked up with interest. "What meeting?"

"That's why I was coming! They're calling a meeting about Rufus's disappearance." Wolf shook her head. "And Laili's, I suppose. Tho' if they can't make the connection…"

"So everyone'll be there?"

Wolf shrugged. "More or less. Tseng's the only Turk going though."

Reno nodded and bent over the paper. "Don't tell them."

"And ruin all the fun? Never." Wolf waved and left the office.

--- --- ---

Reno stood at the end of the hall and surveyed his work. He'd gotten a hose from somewhere and sprayed the whole hall down and then hacked into the Air Conditioning of the building and dropped the temperature in the hall to below freezing. Once the hall was finished, Reno had sprayed it again, this time with oil. He nodded and turned back to the hall behind him.

"The last piece of my work of art." Reno ducked through the door of into the staircase and pulled a mattress out. He closed the door and set the mattress against it.

He checked the time as stepped into an abandoned office off the hall. It was 3:30, which meant he had half an hour. He got out several pounds of peanut butter jars and a banner. He began scooping the peanut butter onto the mattress.

--- --- ---

"Alright, so the Turks are in charge of finding the President." Wolf turned to Tseng and had to fight to keep a straight face.

"What about his secretary?" Scarlet asked, leaning back in her chair.

"I'm sure you'll find her with the President. She's that, uh...loyal."

Scarlet smiled and stood. "If that's all you have to say, then I'll be going. Best of luck, Tseng."

Wolf fought not to strangle the woman from behind as she flounced towards the door. Just as she reached the door, it flew open and Reno stood in the doorway.

"Tseng, sir, come 'ere! Something's happened!" Reno darted back into the hall, followed closely by Tseng.

Tseng stepped into the hall and saw Reno standing a few steps away.

"What happened, Reno?" Tseng's eyes narrowed and he took a step forward. "This better not be a-"The rest of his sentence was cut off by a yell as his feet shot out from under him. He hit the ice and Reno ran forward. "Reno! Don't-!" Reno shoved Tseng in the back and he shot down the hall, straight for the door that led to the stairs. A banner loomed in front of him and on it were the words:

**Life Lesson #2: Keep your feet!**

"RENO!" Tseng hit the banner and ripped it, going through to the peanut buttered mattress.

"Ah, a true masterpiece." Reno pretended to wipe a fake tear out of his eye as Tseng sat up. "See ya later, my faithful audience."

Tseng stumbled to his feet and turned with death in his eyestowards Reno. Heroared wordlessly and charged at Reno. Only to slip in the oily ice and fall flat on his face.

* * *

Wolf: Poor Reno, think of what Tseng'll do to him when he gets his hands on him. Gives me chills. But you gotta love 'im. 

Reno: (whispering) Someone finally feels sorry for me. Have you seen Tseng?

Tseng walks through the door. Tsneg: Wolf have you seen Reno?

Wolf: I plead the fifth.

Tseng: I _will_ find him. And you're going to help me.

Wolf: No I'm not! I'm going to go hide in the closet and wait until after Tseng has found Reno and, uh, dealt with him. Tseng, wait! Don't you have a job to do? Like finding Rufus?


	15. Icecream

I scream, you scream, we all scream for Ice-cream! Gotta love that song. I got this idea from my friend, Cookiesama. Who says that it really _does_ hurt to get his by ice-cream.

* * *

"Reno! Come on!" Elena shifted the bag around on her shoulder and glanced back at the red-haired man that was falling behind.

"I can't believe he suckered us into this." Reno stopped next to Elena and glanced ahead at the small throng of children that had gathered at a fence.

"Denzel, don't stuck your hand through that." Elena gave one of the boys, "The Look," and he withdrew his hands from the cage bars.

"The zoo." Reno shook his head. "This is going to turn out badly."

Elena shot the look at Reno and walked behind the small group of kids. They were standing as close to the sea lion pit as they could get and laughing at the playing animals inside. Reno leaned against a conveniently placed building and glanced around at the crowd passing him. A pretty, brunette girl gave him a suggestive smile and Reno smirked back. He pushed off the wall and made to work through the crowd towards her. A sharp pain in the back of his head halted him and he glanced back to see Elena with a firm grip on his ponytail.

"Take one more step towards her and I'll do horrible things to you with a cheese grater." Elena gave his hair one final jerk and turned back.

"Mr. Reno, can I have some ice-cream?" Reno looked down to see a six year old girl with light brown hair and big, brown eyes. "Please?"

Reno sighed and shrugged, digging in his pocket for some Gil. Marlene cheered and ran to the ice-cream stand. Reno followed more slowly as three other of the kids grouped around Marlene.

"I want Chocolate!" Marlene turned to Reno. The others placed their orders and Reno paid out the rather large amount. He turned and led the small group back to Elena. He leaned his elbows on the bars as the kids drew closer. One of them, a girl with her brown hair pulled into pigtails, had Rocky Road. She tripped in a puddle and the cone flew out of her hand, flying straight for Reno.

There was a _splat_ and the ice-cream slid slowly off Reno's face. He shook his head and glanced around in confusion.

"Reno! Are you alright?" Elena grabbed Reno's arm and dug through her bag. She came up with a rag and was wiping off Reno's face, when he barked. Elena paused and stared in shock at Reno as he barked again. "What the…"

"He sounds like a sea lion." Marlene observed, licking her ice-cream.

Elena clapped her hand over her eyes as Reno barked and clapped his hands together. He turned to the sea lion pit and watched as the animals played in the water.

"Uh, Ms. Elena. You might want to look at this." Elena looked up at Denzel's voice and watched in horror as Reno dove off the walk and into the water below. He surfaced and barked happily at the sea lions.

"Kill me. Quick, before anyone realizes he's with us." Elena ran to the edge of the pit and stared down at her coworker as he flipped gracefully into the air. People were beginning to notice and line up on the sides of the pit, laughing and pointing at Reno. Reno waddled up onto a rock and took a sea lion position. Someone yelled at him and he barked and clapped his hands.

"Marlene, may I see you ice-cream?" Elena held her hand out for the girl's cone. Once she had placed the ice-cream in Elena's hand she stepped back.

"Am I gonna get it back?"

"I'll buy you another one." Elena pulled back her arm, took careful aim, and threw the cone as hard as she could. It flew true and connected with Reno's face, knocking him off his rock. Elena dusted off her hands as Reno came up spluttering out of the water. He glanced around and then up at the edge of the pit.

"Why am I in the sea lion pit?" He shouted up at Elena. Elena shook her head and walked away. "Hey, wait!"

Reno splashed to the edge of the pit,jumped andgrabbed the edge. He flipped up and over the bars. Several people began applauding as he landed and glanced around. He spotted Elena leading the group of kids towards the gate and ran to catch up.

"Elena, what was that for?" He fell into step next to her and pushed his soaking wet hair out of his eyes. "And what happened?"

"You thought you were a sea lion!" Marlene giggled. "You jumped in and put on a show."

Reno stopped. "No. Now everyone's gonna think I'm mental."

"Reno, you _are_ mental." Elena shook her head. "You just better hope no one figures out where you work. Or Tseng'll come down hard on you."

"Didn't know you cared."

"I don't. I just don't want to have to deal with the paperwork we'll have if you get killed in the office." Elena shook her head. "Come on, we need to get them back to the Seventh Heaven."

Reno narrowed his eyes. "I told you this would go bad. And it's all Cloud's fault."

* * *

I'm still probably gonna do some life lessons, but I can't think of any right now.


	16. Fireworks

Yeah, I know it's late. It's not my fault! I didn't think of this until last night when my family was watching fireworks and my sister's glow-stick broke. My mom put it on her lips. (BTW, you probably shouldn't do that) Anyway, she wouldn't let me on yesterday to type it up so I had to do it this morning. So, here's a late Fourth of July gift.

* * *

"Fireworks! Fireworks!" Reno bounced excitedly in the back seat of Tseng's car. "We get to go see fireworks!"

"Reno, relax, you're going to hurt yourself," Rude glanced over at the hyper, red-haired man.

"Wee! Rides! Wee! Rides!" Reno ignored his partner and continued to bounce in his seat. In the front two seats, Elena was watching out the windshield while Tseng massaged his forehead.

"I think that's the place, sir," Elena pointed and Tseng turned in. They drove through the parking lot, looking for a place while Reno grew increasingly more excited in the backseat. They found a spot, pulled in and Reno leapt out. He was dressed from head to foot in red. Rude followed, adjusting his sunglasses and straightening his blue shirt. He was dressed all in blue and Elena, when she climbed out of the car, was dressed all in white. Tseng was wearing a white T-shirt with a flag on it and jeans.

"Reno," Tseng sighed as the red-haired man bounced in an excited circle, "if you wet yourself, everyone will know."

Reno stopped and glared at his boss. Elena and Rude followed the pouting Reno as Tseng led them into the park. There was a large crowd gathered around a music stand were a military band was playing. Reno unfolded the chair Tseng tossed to him and set it down.

"I'm getting a beer and some popcorn," Reno informed his coworkers before darting away through the crowd.

"Bring us some!" Elena called after the retreating red-head. He disappeared and Elena sighed, "Bet he doesn't."

"Hey, a Ferris Wheel," Rude pointed past a tent to where a Ferris Wheel was spinning rapidly.

"That's one of those…what's it called? The Ferris Wheels that have the spinning cages," Elena said, glancing around for Reno. She spotted him working his way through the crowd. He had four cups of beer balanced in his arms and two bags of popcorn in his teeth. He passed the beer around and handed the other popcorn bag to Elena.

"There's one of those Ferris Wheel things over there, wanna go?" Reno asked Rude excitedly. Rude shook his head shortly and sipped his beer. Reno's shoulders slumped and he sank low in his seat.

"I'll go with you," Elena said, setting her beer beside the popcorn and standing up, "let's go."

Reno's face lit up and he jumped up. Elena started through the crowd before Reno could speak and he had to jog to catch up. He bought the needed tickets and joined Elena in the line. A few minutes and they were on the ride. While they waited at the top for the ride to finish loading, Reno threw his weight around until the cage flipped over and then he locked it. Elena screamed in surprise and laughed. The last person loaded on and Reno and Elena started flipping the cage as the ride went around.

--- --- --- ---

The two Turks went back to there seats, both still laughing. They sat down and Rude passed a green glow-stick to Reno, who fake-girl-screamed and took it.

"Yes! Glow-sticks!" Reno snapped it and began laughing manically. Rude passed a blue stick to Elena and she glanced at him.

"I'm not going to give you a reaction like him," She nodded to where Reno was putting the bracelet on his head like a crown. Rude nodded and glanced in despair at his partner. The sun set, the band stopped playing and people flocked to the field across the road.

"Fireworks! Fireworks!" Reno laughed insanely. "Fireworks…"

"We don't know who he is," Elena said to a passing couple. The couple laughed and passed on as Reno settled in his seat. Tseng shattered his world by saying six simple words:

"We still have half an hour."

Reno stared at him in shock and then screamed, "Nooooooo!"

Elena sat back in her seat as Reno began sobbing into his hands. She was watching the sky and fiddling with her bracelet when she heard a snapping sound. She looked down to see that the bracelet had broken and some of the blue had leaked onto her hands. "My bracelet broke!"

"Give it here!" Reno immediately stopped crying and looked up, "I know what to do!"

"You can fix it?"

"No, but this is more fun," Reno took the bracelet and it leaked onto his hands, "Look! I have glowy nails! Oh, that's not right…" Reno scraped it off on the grass and started dabbing the bracelet on his face. After a minute he stopped and he had a slightly messy skull and crossbones on his cheek.

"Oh that's patriotic, Reno," Elena sighed as Reno looked around.

"Does it look good?" Reno asked, staring at each in turn, "Well?" Rude took pity on him and nodded. Reno whooped and moved to sit next to Elena. "Close your eyes."

"No."

"Please?" Reno begged, "It'll look…well, funny, but please?"

Elena sighed and closed her eyes. As soon as she did, Reno began smearing the glow-stick insides on her eyelids. He finished and Rude and Tseng had to bite back a laugh.

"Please tell me it doesn't look that bad," Elena asked without opening her eyes.

"It looks great!" Reno slipped around while Rude was laughing and positioned himself behind his bald partner. Rude spun as soon as he felt Reno poking him in the back of the head.

"What are you doing?" Rude glared at the red-haired man.

"Nothin'," Reno was all innocence. Rude glared at him and Reno shifted, "You can't know 'til I'm finished."

Rude sighed, gave up and sat back, "Don't do something stupid."

Reno laughed and finished, "Ok, now what should I do to Tseng."

"If you value your salary, nothing," Tseng said, barely glancing at Reno. Reno glared at him and went back to his seat, grumbling.

"Reno, what did you put on my head," Rude looked around at Reno. Reno was too busy cursing Tseng to listen to the bald man.

"Rude, why do you have, 'Reno was here' written on your head in something glowing?" The four Turks looked around to see Rufus standing behind them in a blue shirt with the flag and jeans.

"Reno!" Rude spun on Reno to see him laughing. Elena sighed and turned back to the sky as Rufus sat next to Tseng.

"So, I'm assuming this is all Reno's fault?" Rufus waited for Tseng's sigh and nod before continuing, "Where's yours?"

"He threatened me with my salary," Reno glared at his black-haired boss, "'cause he's no fun." Rufus laughed and Reno smiled suddenly, "You want one, Boss?"

"No." Rufus shook his head.

"Why not!" Reno demanded.

"Lot's of reasons, one being that I can't go to work tomorrow glowing."

"Yes you can. You're in charge, who's gonna tell you can't. Or you could just take a shower and wash it off," Reno grabbed the bracelet.

"No. You don't even know that it _will_ come off."

"Yes I do," Reno waved a hand as Elena and Rude looked around in horror, "I've done this before."

"Reno! If this doesn't come out, I will kill you!" Elena shrieked, leaping to her feet.

"It will." Reno put his hands over his head in protection as Elena took a step towards him. A firework exploded overhead and Elena jumped and screamed. Reno laughed at her as he sat back down. Another firework exploded and Reno yelled in pain as Elena threw the glow-stick at his head.

* * *

Hey, this may be shameless, but I have another Turk story. It's calledThe Drinking Game. It's about the Turks having a drinking game while Rufus is watching. If you like these, you'll probably like that one. Thanks for all you faithful for still reading, even though it's been forever. :( sorry...


	17. Tootsie Roll

I actually did this when I had a friend sleeping over. My mom says the distance was a couple hundred feet. It was fun. A little odd, but fun. So, I decided to do this for my friend. Here you go. Oh, and they're teenagers right now, and Tseng's taking a vacation. I found a sign tacked to his door that said he was leaving.

Reno: No explination or anything. And he didn't take me!

Don't be such a girl. So, to all you out there who review, thanks a bunch and have fun. (P.S. This one's a bit odd.)

"You couldn't do it."

"Yeah I could."

"You won't."

"I will."

"Fine, do it."

"…Alright. Here, hold this."

"Why?"

"I can't do it with that in my hand."

"Good point. Alright, give it here."

"You two are being dorks," The teenage boy who spoke was bald as an egg and wore sunglass to hide his dark eyes. He was dressed in the same navy-blue uniform as his red-haired friend. His uniform, unlike his friend's, was tucked in and neat.

"That's not fair, Rude, Elena's the one who's making me do this," The red-haired boy said defensively as the three teenagers stopped in the middle of the little-used street. He had the same, navy-blue uniform on as Rude, but with the coat undone and the white shirt untucked. His bright red hair was spiked, all but a long tail at the nape of his neck. Two, small, curved, red tattoos were below his cerulean blue eyes.

"Reno, will you shut up and do it?" A blonde girl with light brown eyes was standing beside the red-haired boy. She was dressed in a navy-blue skirt and white blouse. Her uniform jacket was tied around her waist and she held two soda bottles and an armful of candy in her arms.

Reno glanced at her, sighed and lay full out on the street. He lay still for a minute and Elena raised an eyebrow. "Well? Are you going to?"

"How far?"

"Your house," Rude spoke this time, unscrewing the top of his bottle.

"That's a long way."

"Don't be such a girl, just do it."

"Fine," Reno sighed and pushed with his hands. Elena and Rude fell into step behind him as he rolled down the street. He made it ten feet before he slowly began to tilt towards the curb.

"Reno, watch out, you'll crash." Reno grunted and squirmed around while rolling until he faced right. He kept going and Elena yawned.

"Rude, hold these. We're gonna see if I can jump Reno."

"What? No!" Reno's voice was muffled as he rolled over. Elena ignored him and dumped her packages into Rude's arms. She took a few steps back and ran; jumping over Reno's rolling form. Reno cursed as he hit his head trying to watch her. She landed safely a foot in front of him and skipped to the side as he rolled by.

"Rude, you try!" Elena laughed as Reno swore loudly and sped up.

"Reno, car." Reno squirmed around again to avoid crashing into the wheel of a nearby truck. Elena continued to attempt to coax Rude into jumping Reno. He finally gave in just to get her to leave him alone.

"Do something cool, like a flip!" Elena said excitedly, taking the candy from Rude's arms. Rude sighed and waited until Reno had rolled far enough in front of him before he took a running leap and flipped over the rolling red-head. He landed and moved aside as Reno rolled past.

"Oh, oh, I just thought of something else I can do!" Elena dumped the "provisions" into Rude's arms and cart wheeled over Reno.

"How far do-I'm gonna be sick!" Reno changed tack halfway through his sentence and made a face. Elena scrambled away from him but Reno just made a gagging face and kept rolling.

"You're almost there Reno, you can do it!" Elena back flipped over Reno. "This is fun, maybe you should keep going."

"Oh, yeah, it'll be great fun when I'm sick and you land in it."

Elena stopped and danced away from Reno, "Ew! Gross!"

"Yeah, well. How far am I?"

"About twenty feet," Rude nudged Reno in the back as he started to slow, "Don't quit now, and don't crash into the car."

"I'm fine, I won't hit it." Reno suddenly began to go much faster as he rolled. He pulled up abruptly when he nearly head butted the wheel of the car in front of his house. He stopped and climbed slowly to his feet, his head and the world around it spinning.

"Are you alright, Reno?" Elena reached out and grabbed Reno's arm as he stumbled. He laughed and nodded, "Well that must have looked odd. Where's my candy? I'm going to go get high on sugar."


	18. King Reno?

Really short, not all that amazing. But, I did this with three neighbor kids. They all played the characters, though it was King Reno, Cloud, and Yuffie. So it's a little different, but it was fun to do. I directed it. So, I hope you like it and I'm trying to think of a new idea to put up after this...hmm...

* * *

Long ago a great war broke out in the land of Amer. The king and his two children rode to the battle. At the end of the long and glorious battle, which due to time limitations was not recorded, the king learns a terrible truth about his children…

The final enemy fell under the king's sword and he lowered his sword. He leaned on it wearily and turned to his two children who were standing to the side and whispering. The man, he was completely bald, hurried off to the side and disappeared around the ruins of a building. The woman stepped forward. She was blonde, with short hair that was combed to the side.

"We've done it, the war is finished." The king smiled wearily at his daughter.

"Not quite." The girl raised a gun and fired it. The bullet tore into the king's chest and he collapsed. The girl turned and called, "Rude, we've done it, we killed King Reno!"

Rude stepped from behind the collapsed building. He held a gun in his hand and Elena's gaze went to it. The gun was raised and fired, killing the girl. "Now I'm king!"

The sheet was raised and Rufus, Tseng, Cloud, Tifa, and the assortment of small children Tifa watched clapped. The curtain fell and Reno, Elena, and Rude stood in the center, covered in fake blood. They bowed together and the "crowd" clapped louder.

"Well, that was short," Tifa commented as the "actors" climbed off the stage.

"Yeah, well, from start to finish, planning and all, it probably took us an hour. We had to get the costumes, and the ketchup." Elena laughed as she mopped the ketchup off her face.

"Well, that explains a lot," Cloud said, standing as well.

"Oh, come on, you know you like it!" Reno threw his arms around Cloud's shoulders.

"Get your arm off my shoulder," Cloud said warningly. Reno ignored him.

"What confuses me is why Rude became king," Tifa asked.

"We don't know. Other than it made a better ending," Reno said, shrugging.

* * *

Wasn't it cute and kinda anit-climactic? Lol, like I said, I did this with a couple of younger kids. Like, fifth grade and below. Took us about half an hour from start to finish.


	19. Paintball!

I posted again! I know, crazy. This is actually from when I went paintballing recently and then was complaining/bragging to my friends about it. This friend of mine told me her "horror story" and I couldn't stop laughing. So, this is for Julia and Torrey, cause they're the ones that this really happened to.

Oh, and I did a Turk Oneshot Competion and "Addiction - by Woodster" won. Yay! ballons and streamers So, I should have another chapter up for her soon. Sorry again that this one took so long!

* * *

"This is _so _unfair!" Elena breathed, holding her gun to her chest as she sat in the thick mud behind the wooden barricade. If barricade was the right word for an inch thick piece of plywood stuck in the dirt. She sighed heavily through her nose and held the plastic mask that encased her face away, letting the cool air clear the fog from the plastic. The fact she had been desperately trying to ignore surfaced and Elena gasped slightly, clutching the gun closer to her. She was the last on left; all the others had been taken out. She glanced to either side and saw only an endless forest of green. The plywood she was sitting behind stretched no more than three feet to both sides and afforded little protection.

"SURRENDER!" Elena screamed shrilly as one of the older Turks leapt around the wood, his gun leveled at her. She squeezed the trigger reflexively even as her brain was recognizing him. She didn't know the red-haired man's name, but he was one of the Turks that worked around the Captain a lot. He stumbled back as five paintballs unloaded into his chest from Elena's gun and splattered onto his mask.

The man yelled and threw up his free hand angrily. "That was a cheap shot! You can't shoot me that close!"

"You tried to shoot _me_!!" Elena yelled back, leaping to her feet.

"We'll see," The man spun on his heel, his red tail of hair whipping behind him. Elena followed more slowly, her eyes scanning the field for any other opponents. If her sister was still out there, Elena was sure to be the prime target. They reached the gate and the red-haired man stormed through as Elena scanned the people sitting at the table. She counted them, matching up faces as she saw them, and came up with a full count. She rechecked it quickly and came up with the same number. Her sister was sitting with her back to the field and her arms crossed angrily across her chest and Elena suppressed a smile.

"The range was short of ten feet," the red-haired man said, resting his gun back on his shoulder and pushing his mask up. Elena copied the movement and slipped through the gate, resting her gun on a nearby table.

"From what I saw, Reno, you leapt out at her," Tseng frowned at Reno's report. The red-head scowled.

"So? It was a safety kill and within the ten feet!"

"You never called safety kill," Elena pointed out. Reno glared at her and Elena ducked her head automatically. She heard a snort from her sister, but the blonde woman hadn't changed position when Elena looked over.

"Suck it up, Reno." A giant, bald man stood up behind Reno and Elena hid her surprise. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses, but she could tell he was appraising her and she held his gaze. "You were beat by a girl."

"Rude, shut _up_!" Reno snapped at the bald man. He chuckled and Elena turned her head away to hide her own laugh. Reno glanced between them, and then at the unsympathetic Tseng, and threw up his hands. "Tch. Whatever." He spun on his heel and stalked away.

"Congratulations, Miss Elena," Tseng said, smiling slightly down at the blonde girl as he passed her. She blushed slightly and turned away, gasping as she saw the tall, bald man standing in front of her.

Rude stared silently down at her for a moment and then gave her a tiny smile, "Don't worry about Reno, he'll get over it."

* * *

Slightly different style then I normally write in, but I like it. Review and tell me what you think!


	20. Life Lesson 3

Uh...It's three in the morning and we were talking about vampires. I think that's sufficient excuse for this story. Hope you like, let me know. (As always)

* * *

"Don't forget the pineapple!" Reno hovered at Rude's elbow as the bald man cooked the burgers in the dark. Elena looked over at them and shook her head sadly, turning away again. Rude, meanwhile, finished his burger and held out the cooked slab of fruited meat to Reno. The red-head squealed in an overly-excited, slightly girly way and grabbed burger. Rude cleared his throat slightly and Reno looked up at him, his mouth full of burger.

"Uh…Reno. I've got something I have to tell you."

"Does this have to do with us being out here, having a cook-out, in the middle of the night?"  
"…Yes." The bald man cleared his throat again and shifted slightly, "I don't know how to say this, but…over the years, as we've gotten to know each other, I've had this urge to suck your blood."

Reno stared blankly at the bald man. "_What?!_"

"No, wait, that cam out wrong. Well, no, it was right. I mean…I'll just say it. I'm a vampire."

Reno burst out laughing, but after a second it died slightly as Reno thought. That would explain a lot of things…Rude's avoiding mirrors, his pink umbrella during the day…the fact that Reno couldn't keep a dog for more than a couple of weeks. He looked up at his bald partner, "Really?"

"You're taking this very well, Reno." Rude's voice was impressed as he watched the shorter man's reaction.

"…Thanks, I gues…" Reno trailed off, Rude's words _really_ sinking in. For a second the two men stared at each other, and then Reno screamed shrilly and spun, sprinting for the house and still screaming like a girl. Rude glanced awkwardly at the remaining Turks that had all looked around. "Reno's had too many beers. I'll go get him."

The bald man followed Reno up to the house, trying to ignore the stares that followed him.

Reno was crouched at the corner where the front hall met a cross hall, a tranquilizer gun in one hand and a mirror in the other. He was using the mirror to look around the corner at the door, waiting. He was still waiting when he heard the voice next to him, "Reno, vampires can't be seen in mirrors."

In response, Reno leapt into the air, spun, and fired the tranquilizer all in one motion. The dart made contact with Rude's shoulder and the bald man collapsed to the ground. A sudden idea struck Reno and he began dragging Rude into the spare room on the bottom floor, grabbing a rope and a chair on the way.

(9)(9)

"Guys! I need your help!" Reno came sprinting down the small hill to where the two remaining Turks were cleaning up the remains of their cook-out. Tseng didn't even bother to look up and Elena scowled at the red-head, who ignored both looks. "C'mon! It's on Rude; we never pull any pranks on him."

"What is it?" Elena sighed resignedly. Reno laughed manically and grabbed his boss by the back of the shirt, dragging him along as he and the blonde woman started back toward the house and Reno's plan.

It took them a full two hours to find all the stuff at Target and set it up at the house. Reno set about making a banner to hang over Rude's head and a note to leave with him. The others spent the last hour setting up various traps of Reno's design. Finally, finally, they finished and sat upstairs waiting for Rude. And then the plan unfolded.

Rude woke to find himself tied to a kitchen chair in the basement, his shirt, jacket, and left sock for some reason gone. A few seconds of work freed him from the ropes and he straightened, a pink sparkle on a string swinging into view over his head. He sighed and reached for the sparkle, but stopped when he saw the banner. Painted above him in vibrant green letters was:

**Life Lesson #3: Pikachu Promises Death**

A small note lay beside the chair and Rude bent and picked it up. Inside was scrawled: Come and get me, Batboy!! Rude heaved a sigh and shoved the paper into his pocket. The stairs were the first problem; a waterfall of water was cascading down the stairs, starting to flood the basement. Rude sighed and pulled himself up through the water, right into the hole carved in the top. He swore loudly and yanked his foot free, falling into the kitchen. The source of the water was the sink, which was currently holding his stone-filled sock and leaking water onto the hole-y floor. The fridge was cracked slightly open and Rude pulled it all the way. Every shelf inside was covered with Swiss cheese and a single note card that read: We ran out of water.

The living room wasn't any better. A coffin was floating around the living room and, when it floated close enough to Rude, he saw a half-eaten Jell-O pie sitting on the pillow. He stared after the coffin long after it had passed him and was bumping stubbornly against his TV. All the windows in this room, letting in the early-dawn light to reflect off the water. Using a nearby broom, Rude fished the coffin back to his side. He took the pie out and left it to bob idly in the water as he lay full-out in the coffin and paddled it toward the stairs, keeping his head down on the pillow the entire time.

This time the stairs were only slightly flooded with water. However, the coffin got stuck in a particularly wide hole at the base of the staircase. Rude flipped out of the coffin and onto the garlic-coated stairs. Mirrors were set up every two or three stairs, reflecting back a view of his pants with a pole strapped to the back and the pink sparkle hanging from the pole. Rude sighed, grabbed hold of the banister, and immediately got an eye-full of garlic powder. He stumbled his way up the stairs, banging off the banisters and the walls. Stifled giggles reached him and he shouted up, "I can hear you guys! I'm going to _kill_ you!" As he reached the top of the stairs, he sidestepped to get a view of the ones who were laughing at him, slipped on the marbles Reno had left their days before, and plummeted back down the stairs. He landed in the hole, knocked the coffin free and himself unconscious.

_Meanwhile - With Tseng  
_

"I choose you, Pikachu!" Tseng launched himself from a bush, tackling Pikachu and pinning him down. Not having a Pokémon of his own to use, Tseng was forced to beat up the Pikachu himself. The stunned Pikachu had no chance as Tseng slammed him with a chair, shouting, "That's right! I got the latest smack-down moves on your candy tail!" As soon as the yellow rat hit the ground, Tseng threw his Poke ball and captured him. "Hazzuh!"

(9)(9)

Tseng found Rude collapsed at the base of the stairs when he ran into the flooded house, Pikachu free from his ball and tucked under his arm. He ran up the stairs to where Reno and Elena waited with Rude's shirt and jacket.

Rude woke some time later with a blinding headache and yet another trip up the stairs. He wrestled his way free from the hole and hurried back up the stairs without touching the banister. The top floor was cut cleanly in half by a bed sheet hung from the ceiling that smelled distinctly of garlic powder. He reached forward and yanked it free, coming face-to-face with the flash of a Polaroid camera and an angry-looking flying Pikachu. Seconds before Pikachu hit him, Rude noticed the rat was wearing his shirt and jacket. He peeled the Pokémon from his face and glared at the others. "_What_ are you doing?"

"Um…uh…" Reno looked from one person to the other, lost for words. "Surprise?!"

(9)(9)(9)

"Reno! Wake up!" Reno groaned at the sound of Elena's voice and opened his eyes. His first thought was that Elena looked distinctly rodent-like, his second thought was that she was going to kill 

him, and his third…that it wasn't Elena, but _Pikachu_ leaning over him. The yellow demon leaned forward, his eyes glowing red and growled, "Pika pika…chuuuuuu."

* * *

Ah-ha-ha! Pikachu's evil!


End file.
